The trouble with thy self...

But don't you see that the whole trouble lies here. In words, words. Each one of us has within him a whole world of things, each man of us his own special world. And how can we ever come to an understanding if I put in the words I utter the sense and value of things as I see them; while you who listen to me must inevitably translate them according to the conception of things each one of you has within himself. We think we understand each other, but we never really do.

-Luigi Pirandello, Six Characters in Search of an Author

Information: Idiopathic Osteolysis Multicentric (Carpotarsal)

Idiopathic Multicentric Osteolysis is a rare syndrome that manifests with progressive loss of carpal and tarsal bones in childhood. It typically manifests in early childhood with painful swelling of wrists and feet, and is associated with progressive deformity and radiographic evidence of disappearance of the carpal and tarsal bones. The disease is progressive and may lead to severe deformities and disabilities in late adolescence or early adulthood.

The Clinical Syndrome is categorized into five types all of which have onset of symptoms in early childhood. Three types are hereditary, while two are sporadic.

Idiopathic osteolysis comprises a group of rare diseases characterized by progressive resorption of bones, primarily in the hands and feet. In multicentric variety, as the name implies, there is more than one osteolytic focus. The osteolysis may progress for years, causing severe deformities and serious functional disabilities. Chronic renal failure is frequent component of this syndrome. Mental retardation and minor facial abnormalities have been noted in some patients.

The causes of Idiopathic Osteolysis of all types are unknown.

Table: CLASSIFICATION OF CARPOTARSAL OSTEOLYSIS BY Hardegger et al (1)

Type: 1

Inheritance : Autosomal dominant

Renal Disease: Infrequent proteinuria in some cases

Other findings: Multicentric osteolysis

___________________________________________________________________________________

Type: 2

Inheritance: Autosomal recessive

Renal Disease: None

Other Findings: Multicentric osteolysis

____________________________________________________________________________________

Type: 3

Inheritance: Sporadic

Renal Disease: Severe nephropathy, possible end-stage renal

disease

Other Findings: Multicentric Osteolysis

____________________________________________________________________________________

Type: 4 (Gorham's Disease)

Inheritance: Sporadic

Renal Disease: None

Other Findings: Multicentric Osteolysis,

hemangiomatosis

_________________________________________________________________________________

Type: 5 ( Winchester's Syndrome)

Inheritance: Autosomal Recessive

Renal Disease: None

Other Findings: Multicentric Osteolysis,

corneal clouding, skin lesions
____________________________________________________________________________________

The specific carpotarsal osteolysis of this syndrome is easily differentiated from other rare hereditary bone diseases associated with nephropathy such as nail-patella syndrome ( nail dysplasia, patellar hypoplasia or aplasia) and osteo-onychondysplasia (ungual dystrophy, patellar hypoplasia or aplasia, elbow dysplasia, and iliac horns).

The natural history of idiopathic multicentric osteolysis is not modified by treatment. Therapy with vitamins, minerals, and hormones has been attempted, without significant benefit, although pain and swelling associated with flare-ups of the arthritis respond to salicylates and acetaminophen. Steroids have not proven beneficial.

In conclusion:
Multicentric osteolysis is a rare renal-rheumatologic syndrome with onset during childhood. Our patient developed end-stage renal disease at the age of 34 years, older than in any previous report of this disease. The crucial issues for clinical management are early detection and prevention of complications, as well as genetic counseling of patients and their families.

The clinical, radiologic, biochemical, and histologic manifestations of various forms of idiopathicmulticentric osteolysis are not distinctive enough to distinguish familial from sporadic cases, or to predict the probability of chronic renal failure in later years. Early recognition may allow the patient to receive optimal supportive care, although little can be done to decrease the progression of the osteolysis. This rare disease can be recognized in its earlier stages if clinicians keep the manifestations in mind. Studies in the earlier stages of this disease will provide a greater opportunity to understand the pathogenesis of this rare group ofdiseases.


Source: http://www.fma.org.tw/fagmag/pdfiles/99_3/99-3-243.pdf.

Picture:

Fig. 1. Upper extremities of the patient [(A) clinically and (B) radiologically] showing painless, non-swollen, healed but destroyed joints.

This picture is not my hands but it resembles mine. It is the hands of a patient who has the same diagnosis just like mine. I hope it can help some of those people who are needed an information like me and my mom used to before.

Sick & Damn Tired!

I'm feeling sick today due to weather changes. These past few days it rain a lot especially in the evening and afternoon. My head is aching and I have a sore throat. I have taken some meds this lunch but I don't think it would be enough. The pain and discomfort is still there. Like what I feel last few days, maybe I was lack of sleep that's why my immune system becomes weak. At the same time, my mind is bombarded by some anxieties coming out of my way. Poor me!

Anyway, I got the chance to sleep even for just an hour. This morning I chatted some with some of my friends on-line. It's nice chatting with them, virtual friends who I truly know personally lol!

I hope the next day, I'll get better soon. I really wanted to get out, have some life. I'm getting bored everyday. There's no stuff to enjoy at home but for me to have a countless series of blogging. I know, this blog account has been neglected for almost months now, but I still keep on coming back. Nothing happened so much today. Maybe someday soon, everything has its time.

I wanted to get back to school or just continue my education so that my time will be productive everyday. Wow! my nose are filled with the streams of fluid, I hate having cold! My head are getting heavier! I hate my life! I hate those people who ruined my life!

yea, I've been acting so strange. Maybe I'm thinking too much! Poor me!

Maybe someday soooon....

Here I am again, I just can't sleep. Feels like there's something wrong with me. This is because of this continuous fear that stucked in my chest and head. I feel like a bit dizzy tonight. I hope that this fear fades away. How I wish that there's no such thing as a NIGHT. Because of the incident happened almost a week ago, I can still feel the same fear that I felt that night. How I wish I could get better soon and somehow live a normal life like used to before. I want to erase all the memories of that terrible night. I know, I am being stupid now. I wish I could release all the tensions and fear. Maybe blogging is the answer. What else? There's a lot more to say but I'm running out of words to say. I hope next week there's something good happened or somehow to learned to forget it all.

My head is getting heavy. My heart is beating fast. I have a feeling that I'm getting too nervous over the things in my imagination. I really want to sleep but what if the same situation happened again. NO, I need not to be worried because Jehovah is always there. But I'm just a bit worried that's all. I guess, I have all the faith in Him.

Maybe someday sooon, I'll be better... maybe someday sooon, I'll learned to forget it... maybe someday sooon, it will be tomorrow... what do you think? (*sigh again!)

Jehovah, Our ‘Fortress in Times of Distress’

JEHOVAH is almighty. He has the power to protect his faithful worshipers in any manner he wishes. He could even separate his people physically from the rest of the world and place them in a safe and peaceful environment. However, regarding his disciples, Jesus prayed to his heavenly Father: “I request you, not to take them out of the world, but to watch over them because of the wicked one."—John 17:15.

A Night Full of Terror!

Two days ago, my life has been mocked by a terrible fear and anxiety. Today as I'm trying to recall all the sequence of what happen I know that it made a big impact in our household. Now I understand what it feels to be like in a state of shock or traumatized by an event you never dreamt of. It almost ruined my day and aside from that, the fact that someone can easily destroy you and the rest of your family is really frustrating and horrifying. Every seconds and every minute counts seems like a big struggle against the forces seen by your eyes and felt by your senses consciously.

That night is nothing special.

It's just an ordinary.

Everybody took it's dinner like we usually does and enjoyed an extra time watching the television. We are only four in the house. But it's not yet too long when my mom decided too have an early retire to bed which she usually does especially when the whole day is exhausting from everyday's to and fro. And aside from that, she and my younger sister went to the funeral of a friend which added an exhausting night for her. Not after that I decided to walk through my room using the walker slowly because I was feeling kinda sleepy then. While one of my sister is watching television and the other having a goodtime in the internet. She's a computer freak who always stay almost a couple of nights in front of the computer while letting her insomia goes by. Well, I can say that everybody is busy with their own kind of stuff but we're still aware of what's going on that surround us.

Not quite a minute or an hour, I almost asleep while reading the book Sybil which is about a true story of a woman who is possessed by 16 multiple personalities that evolves when she was still in her childhood years and up to the time when she went to college and adulthood. I'm not yet done with the book somehow there's still a couple of chapters to read but almost there. I really need to have something to in my hands for me to put to sleep. It's either anything like watchtower publication or a thrilling novel that awakes my curiosity. When I felt that I'm already exhausted its now my time to say my prayers. I can say that at that night everything is in a good mood. Everyone in the members of our family haven't said anything to argued about. Everything is in place. We're just waiting for the mood to sleep.

Not until the moment of unexpected events comes. My sister Neriza turn off the lights in the sala (living room) because my mom and younger sister is in their room and me of course. For sure, it was really a deafening silence that echoes all throughout the house. No talk, no murmuring sound could ever be heard except the sound of the machine (laptop). Our computer workplace is together in the living room so if someone is watching the television and using the computer, for sure it would sound damaging to the ears. Anyway, my sister is the only one in the living room doing her stuff but she's aware of what's happening that surrounds the house. At first she heard a scratch, a distinct sound that as if someone is trying to enter the house forcibly. It seems like unimportant sound that you can ignore because you're anticipating that what if it is only a cat so nothing to be worried about. But the sounds takes longer and longer. Suddenly, the annoying sound seems coming out from the window my room. Without my knowledge, something was approaching to happen.

The sound goes still. As if someone is really excited to enter the house. The intruder was trying to do all his might to enter using a coil of wire. He pushes it between my window and the window grills. It scares me really to see a black shadow of man behind my back. It was only the window glass that separate us from one another. When my sister confirm that her suspicion is right. She just calm herself and rushingly went up-stairs to tell to my mother what is going on. My mother was surprised and still didn't sink in to her mind that an intruder was inside our vicinity. Not until, she went down-stairs to check what's happening. That's the time that I am already conscious that I finally see the black shadow of man behind my back at my window.

It sends a shiver down my spine that something is wrong was happening. I became really worried what if he successfully done his job and enter the house. Without in our expectation, someone was there. A black shadowed man who was wearing a white T-shirt who was holding a coil of wire to open my window forcibly. The same person who was keep on scratching the door earlier. The first thing that I did, I force myself to get off of my bed as soon as possible. At that moment, I feel really helpless and don't know what to do. But I was never alone, I realized that Jehovah didn't leave me and the rest of my family in that kind of situation. We still manage to call someone for help and thank God that everyone is safe.

Because of that incident, everybody learn a great lesson in awareness and having a presence especially when an intruder is inside your vicinity. But still, we thank Jehovah for always being there for each and everyone of us. He is a source of strength and everything is possible for him especially for giving us protection in these last days when people love only themselves and material things that push a certain individual to do something bad to their fellow man.

Praise Jehovah and his loving-kindness! "The salvation of the righteous ones is from Jehovah; he is their fortress in the time of distress.”—PSALM 37:39.

What a relief! Just for the moment...

Oh, gee! Here I go again, trying to make my day a little more livelier. Anyway, enough of my stupidity. I'm having a confusion here on what blog account should I update first. Well, I can say that I'm not into a good mood or rather sad feeling today. I'm just fine and happy about everything that happen yesterday. Want to know more?

I've just gone through the hospital and the doc has already taken off the casts in my both knees that is in me for almost 3 months now. I do hope everything turns out just fine. At first, I felt the nerves pumping out of my system and it makes me want to walk away. But that is impossible. I was already there and I know that there is no turning back. The moment that the doc ripped off the casts I felt a bit of uneasiness because there's something I felt that is kind of achy. I think that is because there are some wound that is still fresh and there is an iron implants at the side part of my knee. But the good news is that, the doc taken it off from my knees with no surgery or anesthesia. What a relief! Whew! #o But again the thing is that the iron implants that is still in the inside part is still there so I'm still going to undergo another surgery just to let it all out. Maybe August or September will be my next schedule... I'll keep you posted!

Already Halfway to end 2006!

It's funny though how time flies so fastly! Its nice knowing that we are already in the halfway to end the year 2006. And it just can't stop myself from questioning "how's my life"? "where do I go from here"? "what happen's next"? so on and so forth. Do you think now is the best time to be sad and to regret all the things that come undone? I don't think so. Every now and then, it's nice to reflect and meditate for once in a while like a sort of reality-check of what's going on in our lives.
But, sometimes changes brought by some of the other circumstances in life makes me terrified a lot of a times. It seems that the kid in me wants to hide somewhere in a middle of a nowhere. A feeling of a distinct innocence that will always be within me wherever I go. I guess, that is life some kind of a mystery waiting to unfold any time from now. Do you agree with that?
This is sucks! I'm still here sitting, waiting and wishing for something I couldn't have. I realize that there are certain things in life that you needed that you couldn't have until it's not yet the proper time at the same time a lot of perseverance and hardwork is needed to accomplish what you really want. I'm not yawning, okay. Take note that there is a big difference between having the things you like and having the things that you needed. Do I sound complaining? No, I don't. Whoever says that I do, you're all wrong! (^_^) (D)Ohhh! where's the good times?! (^_^)

New Hair Cut! *yikes*

Anyways, I decided to have my hair cut short done by sister Neriza. I don't know why interests me so much yesterday. Maybe be'coz I'm tired fixing my hair and since I will not be away from home so I think I can bear with it. I really don't like my hair cutted short be'coz you see it's so curly and wavy so I guess you have an idea what I looked like these days. yeah, I know, my hair looked like a poodle when it was not brushed.

Well, never mind, this whole hair cut thing is no sense to say. It's not really a problem I can make it through. I'll be back!! (^_^)

The feeling I felt yesterday!

Yesterday, I was struggling with my emotions of deep anger about my father. How can he be so damn insensitive about what his family truly felt regarding his betrayal to us. I really don't know what we're gonna do about it. It's really hard to have that courage to stand still especially there is this person who is so close to you drifted you in a way that you never thought. I hate to make judgment about him but that is the truth. I don't want to put all the blame on him about what's happening but he allowed it. As a family, a kid, we never ask so much to him that he can never give and this is what he did to us.

I don't know what will gonna happens next in this coming months. But to tell you the truth, it feels like I have thorns at my chest be'coz of this things happening to us. It envy me especially whenever I see a family who is close and open to each other and seeing a father who is so supportive to his wife and kids. I don't want us to compare to other families but I can't help it. There is this gap between all of us to him that whenever he's here there's a doubt to what his saying and the way he treated us. I'm just hoping that our good Lord helped him to open up his eyes and his heart to live his life according to God's standard.

Anyways, I'm planning to enroll in a distance learning study somehow to get a short term degree in creative writing or anything that suits me. I guess, that is a good idea since my whole time was spend here at home and things would be more convenient for me while my medication is still going on. These days seems that I really can't smile or have a rest for awhile be'coz you see in a minute or two problems are always get me pissed off.

Uhhhmm, when will that be? I mean the day when all this troubles be so far away... sound like a song?! (^_^) :D I hope my next log on here, I would share some good news so that it would not ruined your day. If there's a good thing to share, why not! :) :D (^_^)

Well, my life has always been the same pathetic as I am... Do you agree? :) (^_^) tsk, tsk, tsk...

I'll come back soooooon!!! (^_^) Paalam!

Something that Enlightens Me!

I woke up this morning with pain in my both legs. I feel so uneasy especially these days, well I can do nothing but just to go on through out the day. I miss school... everything about school... How I wish I could enroll next semester if things will be alright. I hate to complain so I'll just try to live it up. Anyway, I have one month to go...

What's up with you guys? I don't know if anyone cared? Well, I'm just enjoying my stay here as long as I'm still at home be'coz the moment I'll stepped at the school again I know that I have no time for this. Yeah, school is really time consuming at the same time stressful and enjoyable. I know, you all agree. About what I learned this past few months, I really don't know if I'm really learning that much.

You see, life at home is so idle and dull... and watching TV is not the answer to stop the boredom throughout the day... I'm not a couch-potato like you guys does...:P I guess, I learned something, it's quite simple. I learrned the virtue of patience that there is a proper time for everything like for me to heal. A time to eat, A time to weep, A time to sleep! Am I correct? Let's see!

Like what the Holy Bible says, Ecclesiastes 3:1-15:
"For everything there is an appointed time, even a time for every affair under the heavens:
2 a time for birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what was planted;
3 a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build;
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to wail and a time to skip about;
5 a time to throw stones away and a time to bring stones together; a time to embrace and a time to keep away from embracing;
6 a time to seek and a time to give up as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away;
7 a time to rip apart and a time to sew together; a time to keep quiet and a time to speak;
8 a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What advantage is there for the doer in what he is working hard at?
10 I have seen the occupation that God has given to the sons of mankind in which to be occupied. 11 Everything he has made pretty in its time. Even time indefinite he has put in their heart, that mankind may never find out the work that the [true] God has made from the start to the finish.
12 I have come to know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good during one’s life; 13 and also that every man should eat and indeed drink and see good for all his hard work. It is the gift of God.
14 I have come to know that everything that the [true] God makes, it will prove to be to time indefinite. To it there is nothing to add and from it there is nothing to subtract; but the [true] God himself has made it, that people may be afraid on account of him.
15 What has happened to be, it had already been, and what is to come to be has already proved to be; and the [true] God himself keeps seeking that which is pursued.

This scriptures really enlightens me especially these days when we it seems that things are not going on your way and left you feeling burn-out. I know, all of us. I hope it enlightens and refresh you too. We all need a breather for once in a while so that we can recharge our empty souls and set aside our negativities about Life, Responsiblities, Unfinished Business, can I say School, we'll never know!

I'll keep you posted! *sigh* ( ^_^) (P)

Awesome! What can you say?

wow!! new designs! (**)(P)

Feelin' so screwed Up!

I'm in another bad mood today...

Well, I don't know why I just can't stop myself from thinking and worrying. Why can't this moment just passed by as if nothing happens. I really want to cry to ease the pain... just to have a breather for awhile 'coz I'm tired of waiting... I'm sick of being fed up and left out at the same time.

Pain, why can't you please leave me alone just for a minute or two...

Hey! Come on! I'm Still Here!!!

it's been a long time since i've been confined here at home, i guess it would take about 2 months now already. wow, i have a feelin' that so many things changed outside.. i don't know... anyway, how i wish things would get better for me this time... how i long that day when this itchy-uncomfortable casts get its way out of me......*sighs*

i'm really trying my best to get better.... i just can't stop questioning myself, am I really move on? I want to get over all the negative stuff hanging at the back of my mind. I don't want to sound so bitter about my life or to those people who at least cared for me. I don't want to be unfair to them for not giving them second chances.
i have a fear that i would regret it in the end.

Jah God, just give me time to forget and sort out things from all the negative aspects of my life.... that was what i'm asking to God everyday of my life... it's so easy to speculate things in front of other people's face especially when you're not in his position that... and say, "yea i already forgiven you but deep inside the hurt and bitterness to that certain person is still there." Sometimes, there are thing in life that we can't even imagine will happen to each and ev'ry one of us, and it's sad....

Like what I said, i don't want any longer to be haunted by those kind of feeling and emotion all throughout my life... I just want to live my life as it is with no feeling of regrets or whatsover. I'm not complaining or anything but that's what I felt in these past few months...

Anyways, hey, this blog stuff can really help... I just realized it lately especially of what I'm going through. I can't find any outlet on how to blow off this emotions or in a way it makes my life sane... I don't know, how about you? It's one of the things that makes me stress-free...

I really love to write. Anything that can washed out all the negative thoughts in my mind. aside from that, lately i discover how to changed or looked for really nice stuff for my blog. It's a nice therapy for me.

I'll let you get updated about me whenever I can. This would be enough for now! (**) (*P)

Silence

An ordinary face, a masterpiece of God, Am I?
Darkness falls behind my back,
Or its just faith that I lack?
Alone melancholy,
Sitting beneath the shadows of hope
I couldn't gain
My mind is raveling like an empty chair
In this kind of life, I couldn't bear
All I can hear is silence
That screams...murmuring...whispering... at my presence,
Sounds as a crystal clear
Clinging up to the tip of my ear,
Helplessly haunting me day & night,
All throughout my life...

One day... I'm gonna...

One day...
I'm gonna get up on my crampy bed
To see the beauty of life lies ahead
And feel the scorching heat
Of the sun under my feet.

One day...
I'm gonna dry up my tears
Just to let you know
I just overcome my fears.

One day...
I'm gonna throw all my troubles away
For it not to ruin my day
And live my life freely...

Just Drop By

Hey! It's really refreshing to wake up in the morning having a nice cold bath especially in this kind weather we have in the Philippines. I don't know what this day I'm up to... I guess, this is seems to be a typical day for me.. Just being here at home waiting for the day to past by. I hope I will recover soon so that things would be easier for me to do...

An Average-Everyday-Sane-Psycho

I've been tryin' to write something in here since last week but I couldn't make it because a lot of distractions coming out of my way. Anyway, here I am again trying to make things better for me because I really need this thing to come out of my chest. I've been restless a couple of weeks now and still thinking how to deal with all these things happening.

In my desire to at least have some sleep, my eyes crossed upon the four corners of my room and the old calendar dated last year. It brought so many things in my mind about what I really wanted to do with my life. It was really frustrating in my part when I easily given in to my failures. But in a way, it stirs my eagerness to try again after all this time. You see, I'm coming out of my age and things aren't just like before when I was ten. So many things change for the better and sometimes for worse.

I just wanted to do the things on my own without being so excessively dependent on to them. I want to make a difference even though I don't even know how to start. I'm eager to gather up myself again forget about the past and the hurly-burlies in this life. I would love to enjoy the life ahead of me without being careless of my responsiblities. I don't want to be my mother's burden and just the same as I don't want to be a slave of my own insecurities. I guess, that's what we all people have in common. Whoever we are, we tend to feel insecure once in our lives especially when we are pressurized by the norms of our society. We sometimes live up our lives in a certain manner or pattern to what is acceptable to the majority. Not knowing, we end up full of regrets and excuses.

What else? Well, that was just an observation... It's up to you people....

Anyway, about happened a couple of weeks ago... We've been to the hospital for my check-up and I almost forgot to tell you that last April 27, I've gone through my 2nd operation in my lower extremities. And it almost a month a now, so.... I really hate to complain!! I can't do anything but just to wait and see. My casts would take about 3 months for the doctor to remove the bondage and for wound to be healed... but you know, the discomfort seems so disgusting... still patience is a virtue... aside from that, I know that Jehovah will always be there for everyone of us. That would be enough for me rest my head for knowing that.

A lot of tests and tribulations are been up to us especially between our family. It's almost there and the gap between us and my dad seems to be just plain. Yeah, it would be very hurtful for the part of my mom because she's been always there for us ever since and here's this problem that my dad used to throw up to her. Whenever I see my dad, I never stop questioning myself how could he ever do this to my mom? I know. We're all not perfect. We easily given in to our weaknesses but I guess one mistake could not be corrected by another mistake....

What do you think guys?? *sighs

A Letter to my MOM

I can still remember that day
When I saw that looked upon your face
How can he be so damn!
To put you in disgrace
How I wish him to go to hell
For you to get well.

Shame on him!
Anyway, it's not your loss
Not to treat him like your boss.
How come you never see?
The truth,
That will set you free.

I know, you loved him... Mom
Like no other woman can give.
But, I'm dying
Whenever I see you
Dying inside...
Because of him.

So please tell me,
what am I gonna do now?
It's hurting for me
Just to turn my back and walk-away
Yea, I'm just a kid
Who can't give, What you really need...

I hope one day,
Things may come your way
To find your self again
And ease all the pain.
For you deserve the happiness
That Dad never give....

I Learned...

...that I can never do anything without Jehovah.
...that tough times can't really last but tough people do. :P
...that in life we can't always get what we want.
...that to know yourself more sometimes you have to be alone.
...that weaknesses are the ways to know your strengths.
...that justice can never prevails.
...that pleasure are the most superficial things in life.
...that yourself are your worst enemy.
...that optimism is just a state of mind.
...that waiting can kill time.
...that the world has bunch of sarcastic smiles & fake hellos.
...that you can always trust your instinct.
...that healing is a matter of time.
...that Jehovah's love never fails.
...that to forgive is not to forget. :D
...that education is a fruit of labor.
...to hope against hope.
...that to give is without expecting in return.
...that admiration is like a wood that easily decay.
...that challenges & tribulation makes you a better person.
...that problems and frustrations add spice to your life.
...that the things seen are temporarily but the things unseen are everlasting.
...that 3.0 is a passing grade. :))
...that counting your blessings is not that easy.
...that life is always had a problem.
...that my genes are not perfect.
...that the body is willing but the soul is weak.
...that to be a person is not an easy job.
...that wants is never to have contentment.
...that accurate knowledge is the key to everlasting life.
...that no man is an island.
...that the best things in life are free.
...that no guts no glory.
...that failure is not an excuse.
...that being handicapped is not a hindrance to success.
...that being left out is not a big deal.
... that being myself is a hard thing to do.
...that being different is none of their business.
...that friendster is a fun way to stop boredom. :P
...that limewire is much better than kazaa.
...that all men are freaks.
...that sorry seems to be the hardest word.
...that the hardest thing was letting go not taking part.
...that the dirtiest part of the body is the mind.
...that being an adolescent is a crucial stage.
...that there's no wrong in trying.
...that happy is not always good but being good is always happy.
...that joy comes from within.
...that love is long-suffering and kind...1 Cor.13:4-8
...that life is what we make.
...that my eyes are getting bulgy so I better stop. :D

How I love...

...to live my life according to the will of God.
...to laugh out loud & scream up to the top of of my lungs.
...to live up to the fullest :D
...to travel through time, soar up high. (impossible!)
...to be inspired & inspire people to reach their dreams.
...to overcome my fears.
...to see familiar faces in paradise.
...to run wild and free.
...to feel the scorching of the sun under my skin.
...to wake up in the morning to smell the fresh breath of a new day.
...to rest my head to a something good.
...to explore the unexplorable seas. :P
...to write a novel or any literary piece to publish. (why not?!)
...to brighten up someone's day.
...to discover new things.
...to enhance my abilities and skills.
...to meet old friends.
...to stop myself from bothering. (how I wish!)
...to be alone & feel the solitude of being alone.
...to enjoy my life as if it was the last. :(
...to pissed off my sister's day. :D
...to see myself 10yrs. from now. :P
...to travel somewhere else just outside the country.
...to meditate a lot.
...to be a good friend.
...to smell the roses & the morning breeze.
...to see some snow.
...to watch the sunrise in Brokeback Mountain.
...to be the person God wants me to be. :P
...to find my place in this Earth.
...to be with God.
...to swim in a bottomless pit.
...to ride a horse.
...to sleep leaving all my nightmares behind.
...to read as long as its worth reading.
...to eat as long as it's healthy.
...to be a good daughter. ;))
...to have patience a lot.
...psychology, it's so interesting.
...life sometimes..
...my mom, she means a lot to me.
...Jehovah God, His love never fails.
...changes, it's the only permanent thing in the world.
...to be myself, sometimes.
...my pets, so nice & cute.
...to watch a movie.:D
...to graduate in college. :(
...to run down the naked field.
...to please God in all aspects of my life.
...to end this one before its toooooo late. :D
*sighs

It was Just A Thought!

When I was small, I just thought that life is always at ease. No complications or hassles along the way. But I was wrong, it was just a thought. We're all going through a lot of unexpected turns and turning points, mountain-top and valleys like you've gone through a roller-coaster ride.

It was a funny thing though, at first we cannot imagine ourselves how come we are brought up here. I'm not questioning God or someone out there who ever responsible for all the blame. It's just that it made me paused for awhile and starts to dazzle about the wonders of life.

But whatever it is, we cannot just let ourselves be stagnated by the things going on in this world. I know, it is always been easier to said than done just like what's happening to me. It is really hard to admit to yourself that you needed a change.

Some people may like it or not but why do I care. We are not in this world to live up to their expectations. As long as I know that I'm not stabbing other people's back or stepping on their own rights. As long as I know that Jehovah God is always on my side and He will provide for whatever things may come unforeseen. Keeping all this things on my mind, it just makes me live right throughtout the day.

What about happiness? People has a different connotation in defining what happiness really is. It's like an old cliche that money can't buy happiness or something like that. But people sometimes doesn't know whats the difference between happiness and just a simple pleasure. As a result many online sites are popping in the net claiming that they offer free counsels, lol!

It is said that happiness is psychological because it rooted deep within our spirit, our being as a person and it would last long. While when it comes to pleasure, they say that its physiological; it is the most superficial thing that a person could ever experience in life and the sad truth is that it's just temporarily. I guess, texting is considered as a pleasure, why not?! lol! You can name a few, lol!

When it comes to friends, should we have as many as possible, or is there a limit to the number of one's friends, as there is to the size of a city? You cannot make a city of ten men, and if there are a hundred thousand it is a city no longer. But the proper number is presumably not a single number, but anything that falls between certain fixed points. So for friends too there is a fixed number perhaps the largest number with whom one can live together (for that, we found, thought to be very characteristic of friendship); and that one cannot live with many people and divide oneself up among them is plain.

Further, they too must be friends of one another, if they are all to spend their days together; and it is a hard business for this condition to be fulfilled with a large number. It is found difficult, too, to rejoice and to grieve in an intimate way with many people, for it may likely happen that one has at once to be happy with one friend and to mourn with another.

Presumably, then, it is well not to seek to have as many friends as possible, but as many as are enough for the purpose of living together; for it would seem actually impossible to be a great friend to many people. This is why one cannot love several people; love is ideally a sort of excess of friendship, and that can only be felt towards one person; therefore great friendship too can only be felt towards a few people. This seems to be confirmed in practice; for we do not find many people who are friends in the comradely way of friendship, and the famous friendships of this sort are always between two people.

Those who have many friends and mix intimately with them all are thought to be no one's friend, except in the way proper to fellow-citizens, and such people are also called obsequious. In the way proper to fellow-citizens, indeed, it is possible to be the friend of many and yet not be obsequious but a genuinely good man; but one cannot have with many people the friendship based on virtue and on the character of our friends themselves, and we must be content if we find even a few such...:)

That's all for now!

My Inner thoughts for today!

I've been away for a couple of weeks now but I guess who cares. Right?! Honestly, I'm having a hard time with myself. I can't describe on what is this I'm going through these past few days. Yeah, my mind is upset to everything going on. I wasn't sure on how am I going to cope up and overcome all of this or how long it gonna last. It's really hard living on the same kind of life that is beyond from my wildest dream. I don't want to sound as if I'm the biggest loser in this fight, I have no choice but to continue or else I may end up dying. It is either of the two. Its a damn thing that I am one of the product or a victim of broken families. It is the worst thing that ever happen to me. I never wish to end up being like this, never in my entire life...

It is easy to say judgment coming from people who really don't know you personally. I was pissed off to what they are acting when I'm around. I can stand their blah-blahs like you're supposed to do this and that...whatsoever. What do they think of me?? Huh?! a gullible person, who would right away believe in their stupid schemes, am I really out of my mind to do that?! I don't think so. No one has the right to dictate me what should I believe on because this is me, I am what I am and they can never change that. All I want is a little respect, I guess everybody deserves it...

Who Put the Weight of the World on My shoulders?

Somehow, there's a significance in the title because that's what I'm feeling right now. Anyway, tomorrow is gonna be our Foundation Day. Everyone gets excited but not me that is why I'm staying up late right now infront of the computer. At least, I got the chance to have some breather after all the midterm exams has just ended not quite for some time now. Last week, I just turned 20 and the thing is that I really don't mind if I do because I don't look that I am. It's just that it depresses me so much about myself because it seems that there so many things that I always wanted to do but there's no way I could break through. I just hope and pray that things would just be better so that eventually I could graduate in college. Well, that is life, its how it is...let's just see and wait for better things to come but of course we have to work on it.

What else, DAMN I really had a boring life! How I wish, here I go again. A lot of wishes. No, I really just feel helpless and frustrated about the circumstances I'm going through right now. Maybe, I was just lack of sleep or something...

Anyway, regarding my exams last week I guess it would turn out to be quite good I do hope so. I was just scared about the result of my math exams. I really do hate numbers even before but not like right now, I hated it. I have no problem when it comes to sciences and literature because for me it somekind of an interesting subject to learn. In my case, somehow its interrelated because I'm taking up Psychology. But the problem is that my mind is still not fixed on any specialization on that field because obviously its a broad subject matter. Somehow, I hope you know what I'm talking about.

In the other hand, If you're reading my blog please stop sending me some comments about nonsensible things like I had before. You know what, I'm not blogging because I just want to be hip or whatsoever. I'm here somehow to share my inner thoughts that you never know. Actually, I was insecure of talking to people about what's going on with my life or my opinion unless they ask me about it. I was not a difficult person to handle, it's just that I'm always misunderstood by what others see me. I'm open to a lot of people in different genres but most often I love to have some conversation with those people who are older than me because I learned a lot from them regarding life in a different perspective. But to a young people like my age, I really don't know if they would see me open as a friend. Well, if you had some sensible thing to say to me or anything under the sun, don't hesitate because I really love to hear from you. That's all. Thanks. Have a nice day!

Another Dull Moments At Home

Hello there! I'm back to my old soul again. I'm quite away for a long time for so many reasons, its either an advantage or disadvantage. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about all the old stuff that happened to me last year and if I am this page aren't be enough. Believe it or not, it seems that nothing is change for me if I compared it to a couple of months and months before this year because everything sails just the same. It has nothing to do with my expectations that there is something outrageous gonna happen to me. Well, it's not a problem and I don't give a damn. I mean it. I'm not a hypocrite to say that I love my life even though I'm actually fading away. I'm not reclaiming or whatsoever about some circumstances in my life. For sure, a lot of people are also going through to what I'm going through to a different extent. I may not know their qualms nor their own insecurities but we're still the same. A human being that is easily bruised and confused to all sorts of eccentricities of this life we're going through. We're all like a piece of glass that reflects each other's identities and personalities. But in my case, everyday in my life seems like I'm drifting to a nowhere land like right now I'm sitting in front of my computer talking a lot of piece of crap here. :)

Let's go to the other side, last week I decided to go to the nearest book shop here to see if there is anything new to me. I was with my Aunt. She was accompanying me because I'm having a hard time in walking along the corners of the store. And to my delight, I did saw my former classmate in elementary but I didn't know if she still recognizes me. I can say that she was a nice friend back then and a lot more talkative and intelligent than I was. In fairness, it was quite a close fight between us in our class standing. That was i guess 10years ago where the circumstances for me is doing good as if there's no problem at the end of the day. I remember those times that when you have a single 5-peso bill you can a buy a good quality pad paper (hindi tingi! san ka pa) coz that what I used to do. I can say that the mid-90's are those days of my care-free years of my childhood where I used to run wild and free. How wish to bring back those times in a way to correct my mistakes and somehow do the right things to do.

Well, back to the store there is this book which I find so interesting to read, its about the Life Story of Helen Keller, "The Story of my life" is the title. She's a deaf and blind person who gain knowledge and pursue her education despite her disabilities. It talks about her struggles in life emotionally and psychologically to be able to go along with the world out of sight and the gift of hearing. It was really one of the nice and encouraging book that I have read. What else? what can i say, it inspires me somehow it gave me hope to continue despite all the difficulties. So starting today, I will never allow them to let me down. What a relief! whew!